Unsticking My Tongue
Religion has long been a part of my narrative. Priests and Pastors alike taught me the only way to understand who I, God, and Jesus are, was through the teaching of religion- the way it interprets the Bible. These teachings required submission through a silent and bowed head. Head forced down from the awareness of a sinful self. Gender, shame and fear glued my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Knees bent in repentance, begging for God’s grace and mercy. Chapels are a sanctuary that resides purgatory.
Many Sundays, religion held me up as I struggled to figure out who I was. When you are without confidence, a bowed head is solace. I am female, I follow, I do what I am told. Being led is easy when you believe you are less than. From the pulpit, his voice calls out repent, cry out to the Lord, give yourself up for Him. Only through the denial of self can you know who and whose you are.
The incongruence screamed in my ears. Something is amiss. Lopsided theology. This God of mercy and grace wants to possess me? Wants me to deny who I am as He harmoniously asks for my silence and my songs of praise? As the Pastoral voice fills the air, I look at my children. The truth of the matter, I birthed these babies, but they are not mine, they do not belong to me. So, why do I belong to a God that wants my silence?
However, if I am not His, what am I? I pause. There is no answer. Silence fills my heart. I hang on to it, not ready to return to prescripted answers. I stay in the silent space. Wait. Hold out for answers. Faith starts to fade, and then she enters. Sweet Wisdom. She breaths, You are spirit from The Spirit. I understand. God is Spirit. I am spirit. We are partners. What is in Spirit, is in me. What is in me, is in Spirit.
To understand who I am, what God is, and what the hell Jesus is trying to teach me, I must step out of religion and dive into spirituality. These two are not the same. Instant anger at the years wasted. The forced silence of bowed heads, silent tongues, and shameful sins did deny me of myself. Religious hierarchy is replaced by Spiritual partnership.
Religion is a set of rules and beliefs laid out to me from a (male interpreted) Bible. Whereas, Spirituality is the freedom to unstick my tongue, use my voice, lean on my understanding of the Bible, and my wisdom. God, who is neither male nor female, trusts my feminine intuition. No one can interpret this for me, and no one should. I create a sacred space to learn about Spirit. Third parties not allowed.
Here, there is no fear, rules, laws or expectations. Just gentle urges to leave the ego behind, be present, let my energy flow, and help those who are in need. There is no condemnation or a platform where spirits are encouraged to call out one another’s sin in the name of Christian love.
Some will say I didn’t understand the religious teachings. And to that, I say, “I owe you no explanation for my spirituality.” I tried to fit into religion, but I belong to the Spirit.
“What has bound me has been slain. What encompassed me has been vanquished. Desire has reached its end, and I am free of Ignorance.” The gospel of Mary Magdalene (which was conveniently left out of the Bible),
