Belonging vs Fitting In
Helping our daughters find worthy friends.
School is back in session, and our children are once again with their friends. During the pandemic and self-isolation, many of your daughter’s friends may have changed, and relationships altered. Navigating friendships is a befuddling experience full of laughter, heartbreak, exclusion and inclusion. Teaching our daughters the concepts of Fitting In versus Belonging will help build confidence and establish relationships that can last for years to come.
The end of elementary and middle school is a breeding ground for Fitting In. We are at the stage of development when we are trying to figure out who we are, and to a certain extent, we rely on those around us to help. What do people like about us? What do they hate? The objective is to fit in and not stick out. We shift, pull ourselves apart, and try to change who we are, all for the invitation to sit at the table.
Girls, if you have to change or deny who you are to get an invitation, you are in the wrong space. Build your own table because you are here to belong.
Fitting In teaches us how to conform. It asks that we please others at the expense of ourselves by denying the pieces of us that are different. We must make ourselves smaller so we can fit into the group. It values our leftovers- the parts of us that are left after we shed the things that make us different, textured, and varied. In the end, we often find ourselves friendless and have a skewed sense of self. Undoing this requires us to find our denied parts and simultaneously learn to put ourselves back together as we unlearn the ease at which we pulled ourselves apart.
Belonging is about honoring the spirit of a person. People who belong, strive to understand what others bring to the relationship and how it makes our lives better. Belonging is about diversity and mutual acceptance. There is no denial of self. Friendship is fluid, and everyone has the space to evolve.
I remember the moment I showed my daughter how to fit in. She was starting school, and I asked her: Are there any girls that like to play Littlest Pet Shop? Maybe you can ask if they want to play with you and then you can be friends.
I taught her to base the friendship on what someone does, instead of who someone is.
When she was in 7th grade, I finally figured it out. She was struggling to fit in with a girl who pressured her into wearing makeup and belittled the things she liked. I watched her start to deconstruct who she was out of fear of being excluded. Our conversation sounded something like this:
What do you love best about yourself? How do you want your friends to behave towards those things? Would you treat your friends the same way? What do you want out of a friendship? Who do you know that might feel the same way? Those are the kids that will respect who you are, and they will appreciate that you respect who they are. You will know who these kids are because they will want to be around you, and you will want to be around them. If someone asks that you change who you are, then the friendship you are trying to build will fall apart because they do not appreciate you. Find people who appreciate you.
That is the crux of it right there. Someone who appreciates your spirit will never ask you to change it, and that is the type of friend we want our daughter to have in her life.
